What my husband didn’t understand
December 10, 2020 /
“I didn’t know your life was so bad.”
That’s what my husband said to me after reading some of my recent emails and blog posts that I share with folks like you who I’m honored to call my community. I guess he saw words like lonely, stuck, and full of despair and didn’t think they fit what he’d witnessed of my life experience.
I was caught off guard by his observation and felt a natural, knee-jerk need to say things like:
- “Yeah, I guess you’re right, my life wasn’t that bad.”
- “Well, surely it wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, I mean I have so much to be thankful for.”
- “Oh my gosh, is he right? Did I make those things up? Maybe my life wasn’t that bad. Maybe I didn’t actually feel those things.”
But something kept me from saying them out loud and instead I mulled them over in my mind. Having a conversation with myself because, well, I am really good at it. No one can hold my attention like I can.
His comment swirled around for days until I let it settle into a few things I believe are facts.
- He loves me and never wants to see me hurting. And he was curious enough about my thoughts to broach a vulnerable conversation.
- I was not crazy and in fact had felt those sentiments to varying degrees for many years of my adult life and our marriage.
- Something though in my feminine wiring had trained me to push aside, stuff down, or pretend that nothing was wrong and instead hold tight to the well-worn mantra that “I was fine.” I covered any dissatisfactions with empty words and dutiful gratitude.
- I had become an expert of faking it until I would hopefully make it.
- Until I realized that was a losing game. Until I resorted to crappy, unhealthy behaviors and found myself asking, How did I get here?
That’s when I decided I had to honor my truth.
Even if it didn’t make sense to others. Even if it didn’t make other people feel comfortable all the time. I chose to commit to pursuing my potential and live in an almost always uncomfortable zone of learning and growth.
The truth is that I am a strong-willed woman with hopes and dreams for myself and those that I love deeply. Dreams that I refuse to compare to anyone else’s because they are mine and mine alone.
But to make those dreams become reality, I have to show up as a #POTENTIALSeeker every single day.
I have to feel all the feelings. Ask all the questions. Have all the hard conversations. Try all sorts of new things. And give myself and others a crap ton of grace along the way.
Because I only have one life to live. I am not guaranteed tomorrow and dang it if I’m not going to show up, ready or not and try to love and live my legacy NOW.
I don’t want anyone to stand up at my funeral and say, “Well, her life wasn’t that bad.” Heck no. I want them to say she tried, she showed up, she loved herself and others hard, and she wasn’t afraid to take risks to solve problems that break her heart.
And the problem that breaks my heart is that women don’t give themselves permission to slow down, take focused, intentional time for themselves, and love themselves like no one else can.
That is a problem that I am 100% willing to take risks to solve.
And this is exactly what I and 13 other women will share at Ready or Not, better known as, RON 2021. RON is the in-person women’s gathering I’ve produced the last two years. But this is different and gave me the chance to reimagine and recreate it–but the goal is the same–create a safe and welcoming space for women to focus on growth, connection and JOY. Every speaker’s session is pre-recorded and less than 30 minutes so that come January 6th when RON goes live, all the content is available and on-demand to fit into busy women’s schedules. All the speakers, including me, will share our own stories of how we’ve had to show up as we are, honor our entire life experience, take some risks along the way, and put in the work to love and live our legacy.
I really hope to see you on the registration list.
And don’t wait, enrollment for RON ends next Wednesday, December 16, to ensure your care package arrives on time.
I really don’t want you to miss out. Save your seat today!