The One Affair I Don’t Regret.

Feb 5

Written By GoLive

One sunny morning in October 2015, I picked up the phone and called him--a man I’d grown emotionally attached to that was not my husband.

I shared that my husband and I had made some big decisions together, and with a shaky voice and anxious gut, I said, “We admitted that we aren’t in a good place and have work to do, but we are committed to trying to figure things out.”

I told him that having him in my life was no longer healthy for me or my marriage.

His response? A short and simple, “I understand, and I’ll respect that.”

And he did. I never heard from him after that day.

I shared about this relationship and all that I learned from it in Road to Hope. I don’t regret sharing this part of my story.

What I do regret is that I couldn’t realize then that I’d been stuck for so long that I would believe and do just about anything to get unstuck. I am thankful that I never crossed any physical lines. Still, I wish I could have seen how my desires to feel connected, capable, confident, and cared for so desperately led me to put myself in a position to hurt myself and my husband.

But that wasn’t the only affair.

There was another that started about the same time.

It's one that I don’t regret and continues to this very day.

And I remember the day it hit me. The day that I realized that I was in love.

It was an overcast morning in February 2018, just weeks into my new venture as a business owner and years after committing to learning healthier ways of living and loving in my marriage.

I took a deep breath in, let it out slowly, closed my eyes, and started my final morning meditation. I took the time to express gratitude, and like I had grown accustomed to doing, I silently asked all the parts of me this question: Anyone have anything to say?

I waited like I always did. Then, from what had to be my heart, I heard three words repeat themselves three times.

I love you!

I burst into tears and accepted the gift I’d just received.

I loved me. I knew I did. The love felt steady and true.

For so many years, I lived by my go-go-go mentality, and I had gotten going so fast that I couldn’t hear or feel the energy inside me. And at other times, I had clung to other people thinking they were my ticket to ultimate joy and fulfillment. I had tried so many ways to fill the holes in my heart.

But I had learned to slow down—to find time by myself, focused on getting to know myself and caring for myself. And I had finally heard the words that I had longed to hear the most.

I love you!

I knew that I’d forever remember that moment when through my tears, a smile full of hope and peace spread across my face.

I will never regret the time I have spent falling in love with myself.

I will never regret the decision to care for myself like no one else can or should ever be expected to.

Because of this love affair with myself, I’m able to show up ready to love and be loved by my husband, my kids, friends, and others I hold dear.

It is because I am in a committed relationship with myself that I can ask for what I need, knowing that no one can or should bear the burden of making me feel whole or complete.

So why do I share this with you?

Well, it’s simple. I want you to have a love affair with yourself too.

You deserve to know down in your bones that you are worthy of love, attention, care and then devote time to make it happen.

February is the month of love, and this is simply my reminder to focus on the relationship that I believe matters most - the one with your very own beautiful self.

And if you ever need help making that commitment and building that relationship - I’m here for you.

You don’t have to grow alone.

I help women (and some dudes) live the life of their dreams through authentic and grace-based conversations. And I find that when I talk with women, they are dealing with daily struggles that rob the time they need for themselves. So, I’m curious.

What do you think is the biggest hurdle keeping you from this relationship with yourself?